American Idol, Gwen Stefani, et al

Why am I currently watching American Idol? Mainly because I hate George Lopez and Jim Belushi. American Idol, of course, is the obnoxious overrated large-scale karaoke contest that uses an audience of mindless drones and exuberant preteens to determine who will be famous among the group of carefully chosen amateur singers. I would be lying if I didn't say that the first few episodes of the show are always great TV, where we the audience is entertained by a gallery of carefully chosen "freaks" who show up to the auditions for whatever delusion they are currently under.

The first few episodes of American Idol are just solid television. It reminds me of the gong show. I love to see delusion slowly fade away, and one of two things occur; the person who thinks they can sing becomes violently defensive and leave the audition feeling misunderstood. The second thing that happens is the person is demoralized and they are swept out of the room like so much broken glass.

Sometimes they bring in a famous musician or songwriter to act as a gimmick to entice even more people to watch the show. Diana Ross was on the show one week and each contestant had to sing a Diana Ross song, no matter what their individual style was. Even the white dudes whom, not surprisingly, struggled. Diana Ross is kind of a specific singer, but whatever, It was really bad. The next week was themed "British Invasion Night" where the contestants sang songs from that era. In to coach the Idol hopefuls were Lulu, and living joke Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits. A band that claims to be the "original British Invasion band" with a song "I'm Into Something Good" that was a remake.

The contestants were graced this week by living joke Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani is defined by being hot. In fact she graced the cover of Entertainment Weekly with the headline, "Gwen's New Look." It said nothing about her new CD, but I guess some people like to listen to the audio of a hot girl rather than see the visual. Now I hate the "sellout" label. I gave that up when I left high school. It's a lazy argument attached to any band that either has matured, changed, or gone after some monetary success. No Doubt certainly worked their way up the ladder of success and never made any claims that they were some pioneering pop/ska hybrid band. Slowly, album after album they started experimenting, much in the same way Rancid started getting worse and worse.

When I look at someone in a band who branches out to do a solo project, I assume it is a decision to make music of a more personal nature. To make music you wouldn’t have the opportunity to make within the band's identity you have already established. What I don’t understand about Gwen Stefani is why she felt like she needed to make the music she is making now. I mean, besides making a lot of money. Which is fine, but that doesn't make her an artist, it makes her a whore. Like Justin Timberlake, or the whole idea of American Idol. If American Idol allowed the contestants to write their own songs or have songs written specifically for them, then it might be more interesting to judge the various styles and personalities. But the focus of the show is to mold the unsuspecting contestant into a commodity who sings for money.

So Gwen Stefani is invited to the show to critique the singing of the contestants. All of whom sing better than she does. Gwen never got by on her pipes, she got by on her looks and the catchy music that backed her up when she was in No Doubt. Her pseudo-retro warbling hasn't translated to her nonsensical Asian hip-hop music very smoothly. Not to mention she has the personality of wet cardboard. So what did the contestants sing on "Gwen Stefani Night"? Two Police songs, two Donna Summer songs, and three No Doubt songs. All of the glorified karaoke performances were bad, but the No Doubt songs were especially bad. They stood out head and shoulders from the crowd as lame, cheesy garbage. The Police and Donna Summer? Oh, they were considered influences to Gwen Stefani. Not bands like Madness or The Specials that she pretended to like when it was cool. I guess she just recently found Police" 20th Century Masters in the used bin and really dug it. So inspired by the music of the Police she wrote two albums full of vexingly shit-tacular pop music.

Next night on the "results show" on American Idol, Gwen performed with her entourage of Asian girls. Actually, it may be more proper to call them her "collection of Asian girls." Apparently this is part of her creative expression, to accessorize with humans from Asia.

Gwen sang her song (a Madonna-esque song called "The Sweet Escape") and not only was it a bad song, she sounded flat and terrible. After watching the show for a while, she seemed like an amateur. Who am I to judge who can sing and who can't? Gwen Stefani, Ashlee and Jessica Simpson, or any of the people on iTunes' Top Songs that I don’t recognize can sing their bad songs poorly all they want. It shouldn’t reach a level where the shit wins awards and is broadcast on network television. I shouldn't be exposed to it. There is no quality control in any facet of the entertainment industry. Gwen Stefani is a prime example of someone who is allowed to make jackass music and dick around onstage purely based on looks.

I look forward to special guest Jennifer Lopez who will be on the show in a week or so. Take everything I said about Gwen and multiply it by 15.